For a weekend that started off with lots of smiles and fun, it quickly turned dark and into a complete bummer. I had to make the decision to do the merciful thing for Hermione, and now she’s finally at that proverbial peace while I have a precious little clay heart with not just her footprints but a few of her ubiquitous little hairs embedded in it. Couldn’t be more perfect a memorial, really, unless she’d peed on it, too.
I’m hoping I don’t end up on an emotional hair trigger because of it, but that’s always possible. Mostly from guilt, I think, rather than grief. Should I have done more? Sooner? Less? Did I do enough? In the end, I have to learn to forgive myself for anything I assume about my choices for her, and I’m really not very good at self-forgiveness.
That’s all Cat Brain, dwelling in the mistakes (perceived or real) of my past. Forgiveness is a Dog Brain activity. It’s saying, “let’s start fresh now,” in order to let go of the negative influences the past can inflict. I’ll get there. I hope.
Goodbye, Hermione. I hope I did right by you.